Thoughtcrime! Wheee!
Letting your brain explore forbidden ideas sure feels illegal, but thankfully, it’s not (as of this moment, but I’m sure somebody’s working on that).
Nobody else REALLY knows what you think unless you type it or say it, and silently thinking whatever you want might be your last truly private activity.
Isn’t that right, Alexa?
So, crimethinkers, let’s look at a pile of forbidden thought-types to delight and motivate us in these darkly surveilled times. Crimethink really is a doubleplus good hobby.
Thoughtcrime 1:
Silently, poetically swearing in meetings.
Business meetings, family get-togethers, religious sporting events—any gathering of weirdos, really. Get really Shakesperean with it: just riff all kinds of filthy insults at that Zoom screen. It’s so satisfying and it transforms your current role from neutral good to chaotic good, which is always more fun.
Thoughtcrime 2:
Pondering what your foes could, possibly, be right about and what your friends could, possibly, be wrong about.
This is a VERY disloyal route of thought, one that you dare not share widely, lest you be excommunicated from your in-group. BUT! It’ll give you the strategic insights you need to later win both arguments and friends, should you wish to.
Thoughtcrime 3:
Daydreaming about making forbidden announcements.
For example: telling anyone what you REALLY think of them, their dog, their spouse, your spouse, their job, your job, their hair, your hair, the rottenness you’ve gotten away with so far, or opining on any topic that can be construed as political.
Thoughtcrime 4:
Imagining an entirely new life for yourself.
From winning the lottery to faking your own death, from moving to a new climate (ecological, political, financial) there are years of adventure to be had in your own head, imagining it to be anywhere other than where it is. The trouble with this thoughtcrime is that if you do it too often, eventually you’ll be so motivated to change your own life that you actually do.
Thoughtcrime 5:
Doubting what is common knowledge.
This will be the first thoughtcrime to be made illegal and punishable by lobotomy. It causes all sorts of trouble, especially when GIRLS do it, and has even been known to result in scientific experiments. Undertake at your own risk.
Thoughtcrime 6:
Secretly enjoying that which is considered stupid, trashy, tacky, or basic.
Guilty pleasures are currently only punished via social disapproval, so keeping your peasant-joy secret is key. Outing yourself as someone who honestly enjoys things should only ever be done in a profoundly safe environment, where your vulnerability and terrible taste will not be used against you.
Thoughtcrime 7:
Having kneejerk opinions.
Cook up all the hot takes you want but let them rest before you serve them. What you think really doesn’t matter, it’s what you do with your thoughts that does. And often, putting time between your mental reactions (often messy, too raw to be useful) and your later actions (more thoughtful, better fit for public consumption) is a good habit. But go ahead: get those first drafts formed in your head.
Thoughtcrime 8:
Winning arguments you never really had.
This is the kind of thought exercise that will help you deliver the perfect comeback to the creep you haven’t seen in five years, get the closure you need from people who don’t know you exist, and boost your own sense of righteousness. It’s best done while driving alone, showering, or while waiting in long lines.
Thoughtcrime 9:
Reading things that expose you to the perspectives of others.
Beware! This thoughtcrime will weaken your bonds to your assigned in-group and possibly expand your definition of humanity. You might even—gasp—grow more empathetic in general. What a globally disruptive mess THAT would be, if we ALL got into this type of thoughtcrime.
Thoughtcrime 10:
Thinking free-floating, unproductive thoughts.
What cannot be monetized is a threat to our economy, you know. Letting your mind wander away from productivity is a danger to our very way of life. What a selfish, unprofessional, and wasteful use of your employer’s contractually owned gray matter. Think of your NDA. But to be frank, you must indulge in this thoughtcrime much as you possibly can, if you want to survive.
Until next week: please enjoy your thoughtcriming in the privacy of your own skull.