10 reciprocal, (possibly?) life-elongating virtues

Lessons from eavesdropping on the elderly

The happiest older people I’ve ever seen are hanging out with each other. The crankiest ones seem to be quite solitary. Here are the ten reciprocal virtues I’ve gleaned via some sloppy ethnography (i.e.: eavesdropping) on giggling and gray coffee clutches.

1, Camraderie:

“If I won that Powerball, I’d buy you all golf carts and then we’d race around the course. And I’d buy the course, so nobody would hassle us! And Glen, you get new hips.” Happy people seem to have a clown-car’s worth of buddies.

2, Helpfulness:

“I ordered you some more of those home tests, Martha. I know you hate the internet, but you hate COVID more.” Do helpful things without being asked to, because the asking is as much of a chore as the chore itself.

3, Humility:

“I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up and I’m already taking social security.” The leaders of these gangs tend to be more self-deprecating jesters than haughty oracles defending their lawns from marauding children.

4, Non-judgement:

“It’s not Pearl’s fault she keeps outliving her husbands. And even if it is, good for her.” Keep your nasty opinions to yourself. You’ll forget about them sooner than people will forget you said them.

5, Praise:

“I saved the clipping about your grandson’s football game for ya, Paul. Kid’s really going places thanks to those fine genes you gave him.” Be obviously impressed with people. Make other people feel impressive and they’ll think you are, too.

6, Selflessness:

“Ah, I got this round, Charlie. Stay with us for another few minutes.” Don’t be transactional. Keeping score only helps you lose connections.

7, Presence

“My knee tells me it’s going to rain soon. But I’m here. Who knows when one of you will just stop showing up forever? Which reminds me, Susan, you get those test results?” Go to the events you want to skip. Showing up is key to doing anything.  

8, Support:

“And this Saturday we’re going to try to fix Gary’s bum of a mower. And if we can’t fix it, we can put mine in Dave’s truck and bring it over.” Help the people who are having troubles. Flailing alone makes people feel invisible and unloved.

9, Forgiveness:

“Water under the bridge, Fern. Water under the bridge.” That phrase gets thrown around a lot, and it seems to have magically cohesive social powers.   

10, Acceptance:

“I’m not dead yet. Can’t say the same for my tomatoes though. Rough summer.” Good news, bad news: by the time you’re totally gray you’ve heard heaps of both kinds. And the happiest coffee clutchers seem to take all the news in stride. Get Zen or get bitter, I guess.