10 Surefire Ways to Be Miserable

Low-effort approaches to living your worst life

If you’re looking to feel entirely miserable (or even just a little MORE awful), here are ten easy ways to do just that.

1
If you want to be miserable, don’t you dare spend your time doing anything rewarding. Avoid arts and crafts and camaraderie. Instead, trade your time for abuse to accelerate your slide into the muck of depression. Wheee!

2
If you want to be miserable, refuse to rest. Sleep as little as possible. Consume only energy drinks and mean-spirited gossip. Skip the vitamins and keep the screens glowing at all hours. Misery thrives on utter exhaustion.

3
If you want to be miserable, drop your boundaries. Let the trolls and weirdos dominate your calendar. Work for people who make you deeply uncomfortable. Date them if they make you wanna barf. Let them crash on and horrifically stain your sofa. Spend every holiday in their soul curdling presence. Who are you to judge anybody anyway?

4
If you want to be miserable, don’t assert yourself—EVER. Your problems are yours and yours alone, and if misery is the goal, they should stay that way. Your issues will get bigger, louder and worse the less you mention them—just like your rapidly weakening cardiovascular system.

5
If you want to be miserable, don’t you dare be high maintanence. Or low manitanence. Or require anything of any kind, really. Just expect nothing. And try to convince yourself it’s enough.

6
If you want to be miserable, just wait. Don’t ask for help. Don’t help yourself. Just sit there. Just wait. The misery will arrive.

7
If you want to be miserable, get in your own way. Stop listening. Stop hoping. Stop realizing stuff. Stop trying. Become a problem for your future self to solve.

8
If you want to be miserable, focus on the worst parts. The flaws, the failings, the rot, the lack, the ugliness, the death and destruction. This is how to stomp the hope out of anything and anyone.

9
If you want to be miserable, you must know—truly, deeply understand—that you’re not living the very best life, with the very best people, doing the very best things, in the very best places. You must never forget this. Never delete instagram.

10
If you want to be miserable, believe it’s your only real option. And it very soon will be.