Since Goblin Mode was named word of the year for 2022, I decided to end this year with an investigation of the most goblin (IMHO) of all critters: the diabolically weird creature we call the hedgehog.
Theory: Mrs. Tiggy Winkle might just be a fae.
Hedgehogs are the lone wolves of the garden: mating and bailing immediately. A single hedgehog can also carry up to 500 fleas on their bodies at a time, and are a known disease vector for humans. So maybe don’t pet any?
Speaking of snuggling, the hedgehog’s dillema is this: they want to get close to each other, but their spikes keep them from getting TOO close. Your therapist has probably mentioned it. (And the Nostromo is the ship in Alien, to help this next Venn make sense.)
Hedgehog excrement smells even worse than rejection feels, if you can believe it. It’s a sure-fire way to lose your security deposit: the stink is THAT potent and lingering.
Hedgehogs eat bugs and snails and worms (and probably the human babies they replace with changelings). They can also swim. They have terrible eyesite but their little pig-snouts have a great sense of smell. Hedghogs have evolved to do what they want.
Hedgehogs live from 2 to 6 years, cost between 2 and 3 hundred bucks (just for the animal, not all its stuff), and are fast little runners. And as they run, they poop. Just imagine one on an exercise wheel in a cage, running in the dark of night, spraying whatever all over. That’s pure goblin mode.
Hedgehogs eat their own young A LOT. And if they can’t eat their own babies, you can buy things called pinky mice for them to devour (as a treat). Know what pinky mice are? TINY HAIRLESS BABY MICE. You can buy them fresh or frozen.
Feel free to drop that fun fact on anybody who bothers you on the bus.
Hedgehogs are considered exotic pets and are illegal in several states. Because of their horrific poop smells? I don’t know.
If in pain, a hedgehog can scream like a human baby (a very evil fae behavior, indeed). They also have permanent Karen haircuts and sharp little teeth.
Hedghogs are resitant to snake venom, which is nice for them, I guess. And they do have those spikes for defense, but badgers and owls still eat ‘em. Good job, hedgehogs, suriving for 15 million years on every continent but North America.
Thanks for letting me invade your inbox in 2022, and may you be as goblin as you wanna be in 2023.
I never imagined that overthinking hedgehogs would bring me such inordinate joy, thank you!