10 Ways to Safely Navigate the Dangerously Insecure
how to stay chill in the face of sputtering, impotent fury
1:
Think, “Lady, the self-checkout machine is not asking you unsolvable riddles-three. Yes, technology is scary. You will survive,” but say nothing.
2:
Think, “Dude, let it go. It’s been seventeen years and she’s not coming back,” but say only, “Yes, I can open another PDF for you.”
3:
Think, “Wow man, way to show those kids who’s boss, electrifying your lawn. Have you ever been to therapy?” but say nothing.
4:
Think, “Really? They’re all whores and demon worshippers? Oh, and ungrateful brats? Sure. Cool,” but only say, “Your total today is $4.50. Next window.”
5:
Think, “Maybe just let the guy merge before that vein pops and ruins your upholstery?” but only say, “Fine, then I’ll let you over.”
6:
Say something along the lines of, “Ummm hmmm. Yup. Totally. Yeah. That sounds like a lot. Wow. Okay. Good talking to you. Gotta run.”
7:
Think, “Do you really believe it’s healthy for you to keep a burn book full of the names of your mostly-dead enemies? That’s no way to run a business,” but say nothing.
8:
Think, “You know, it’s not too late to attempt do something with your life,” but say, “Yes, yes, so unfair.”
9:
Quickly say, “You poor thing. Anyway. Don’t wait up,” and then sprint away.
10:
Just shake your head and say, “Nobody’s ever wanted to take you on a trip? Huh. Wonder why. Yeah, this fence is going to be eight feet. So this is probably going to be the last time I see you. Bye!”