10 Zombie Types & How to Defeat Them
'Cause your gray matter matters.
If you’ve consumed any Zombie-related media whatsoever—and we all have—then you already know that the fast zombies, you’ve gotta decapitate, and the slow zombies, you can just, “Ope, sneaking past ya!” to survive.
But there are SO MANY other types of Zombie out there. Lurking. Lounging. Farting about. They want your brain and they want it now. Beware!
First off: the Martyr Zombies.
They will tell their prey to , “Just suck it up,” while they trip over their own intestines and their feet fall off. The only way to defeat them is to refuse to suffer under their oppressive nostalgia for pain.
Next: the Emotionally Unavailable Zombies. They will rot your brain by starving it of all it humanly needs. They’re pretty slow, so you can defeat them simply by locking them out of your house. They won’t even bother to ask why you did.
Thirdly: the Lone Wolf Zombies. They are unorganized, ravenous, and scary. They think they are suffering because they are profoundly misunderstood, and not because they are actively trying to eat other people’s brains. Defeat them by organizing communally to prevent them from infecting others.
Next up: the Denial Zombies. They are colorblind, and cannot see warning flags of any kind. Defeat them by noticing what they cannot, and run quickly toward a library, preferably in the history section.
In the fifth spot: The Sweet-Talking Zombies. It’s all, “We’re like a family here at the asbestos factory,” and “I’m totally not married with six kids,” and “We need your donations to make a REAL DIFFERENCE THIS TIME,” until they eat your brain. Avoid them by flexing your self-respect muscles.
The Screen-faced Zombies are everywhere. You might think they’re not zombies, until you realize that for the last seventeen years, they have not heard a word you’ve said or made eye contact with another human being. Avoid them by cutting the wifi.
The Obvious Zombies keep pretending to be normal. They’re are out here acting like they still have a pulse but by now, you’ve seen how they act around other people: attacking and snarling and posting pictures of the crunchy brain-loaf they made for Thanksgiving. Defeat them by accepting that they are what they are.
The Corporate Zombies will only hurt themselves. They have leaned in and locked in so hard that the rigor mortis set in during a Zoom, but they still want you on their team. Defeat them by either hiding out off-grid or by flying under their radar.
And finally, there are the Zombie Truthers. They have podcasts about how Zombies aren’t real, and even if they were, you just do some rituals with milk and apple cider vinegar to keep them away. Defeat them by accepting that they are, in fact, out there, encouraging you to turn over your brain to be eaten, and get your shots.
