Are you a Horror Person or a Hallmark Person?
We all watch the same movies. And all we see different things.
Does a childhood of intense emotional neglect manifest in Kevin McCallister’s diet?
Horror People: Yeah, that kid eats the happy feelings he can’t get from anyone in his entire sprawling family.
Hallmark People: No! He just likes ice cream.
Is Huck Finn a hero, a villain, or a victim?
Horror People: An uber-villain. He embodies the insatiable darkness of Malthusian-American colonization, and he cannot be stopped.
Hallmark People: Oh, he’s just a little guy going on a big adventure!
Is THE ROAD a buddy film?
Horror People: It’s a warning that our planet is only a dysfunctional supply chain or two away from competitive cannibalism.
Hallmark People: It’s about the love a dad has for his little guy! Love that journey for them.
Was there room for Jack on the door?
Horror People: Yes. And he knew it. That’s why he still roars in rage from the icy depths.
Hallmark People: Maybe, but he was respecting Rose’s personal space.
Hagrid: Child snatcher?
Horror People: Totally. AND he was really into animals. You know what I mean.
Hallmark People: Hagrid is Santa for TERFS.
Not to dwell on Kevin McCallister, but damn, did that kid had TRAUMA. Horror People: He took real glee in the pain he inflicted, for sure.
Hallmark People: But he was so silly!
How can there 5 FINAL DESTINATION movies? That’s oxymoronic titling. Horror People: I don’t care about the titles. I just know I will NEVER drive behind a truck hauling logs.
Hallmark People: What are you talking about? Is that a travel show?
Would you really ever trust a ghost that lives inside an old-timey molotov cocktail, even if it HAD the commandeered voice of Robin Williams?
Horror People: I would lock that lamp away where it could never be rubbed, lest the gates of Hell be cast open due to sloppy syntax.
Hallmark People: I would ask for puppies.
Is THE GOONIES about the true power friendship or is it a film examining the evils of speculative real estate development, the exploitation of foreign workers, and the underestimation of the disabled?
Horror People: The true message of that propaganda piece is that patriarchy never dies, it just waits for desperate people to set it loose. Talk about ham-fisted allegory: “One Eyed Willy” was the linchpin hero.
Hallmark People: I felt bad for Sloth.
What does it mean to live deliciously? Do you roast marshmallows with your man in matching sweaters or do you devour the raw flesh of innocents with your naked girlfriends?
Horror People: Baby feasts rule. And also: THE WWITCH is a Christmas movie.
Hallmark People: I love marshmallows. And DIE HARD is a Christmas movie.