Here's how to end the tyranny of white-collar office jargon.

Make it REAL porny.

If the vocabularies of your fellow Zoom meeting attendees are making you want to claw your own face off, here’s what you can do: just remember that pretty much anything can become hilariously gross if you think about it from the vantage point of an unsupervised 12 year-old boy.

The phrases will lose their toner-scented banality and become almost entertaining. Here’s a pitch-deck on the concept:

LOW-HANGING FRUIT? YOU MEAN DEEZ NUTS?

SKIN? SUPPLE HUMAN SKIN, BOB? OR DO YOU MEAN DIVIDEND REINVESTMENT?

THIS IS WHY SO MANY OF US NEED THERAPY TO FORGET OUR WORK, BRAD.

OH NO THIS SEAT IS STILL WARM.

SURE, WE CAN BE FLEXIBLE ON THIS ONE.

HANDS OFF MY BASES, OR I AM CALLING YOUR WIFE, STEVE.

JUST IMAGINE. NO. IMAGINE IT HARDER. WELL THEN, LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU CAN SEE MY SCREEN.

OH LOOK, THERE’S ALREADY AN EXTRA CHAIR IN THIS CONFERENCE ROOM.

THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF OUR CORE COMPETENCIES SINCE THE SEVENTIES.

IT’S CALLED PRODUCT-MARKET FIT, SUSAN.

And that’s the end of this deck.
Short, I know, but hey, it got the job done.