Inside you are two beasts. One is always a raccoon.

10 ways to leverage your animalistic tendencies.

Your lazy, sneaky, nasty tendencies can be harnessed for good because they are always coexisting with your internal RACCOON ENERGY.

You’re not broken or wrong, you’re just not Voltroning all the skills that lurk with you. The entire world is wild and absurd, so our approach to living in it might as well be, too.

You’ve got this (whatever THIS happens to be), you nasty beast.

ONE:
Laziness is just another word for engineering efficiency. Tap into the combined power of your inner raccoon and your inner slug to access your inner octopus. Work smarter, not harder.

TWO:
Take back the night by sending your inner raccoon into battle with your inner owl. Together, they manifest badger intensity. A belligerent element of surprise is yours to unleash.

THREE:
When you’re feeling magical and sexy, your inner raccoon can ride your inner unicorn to victory. Spider power! Become the architect of an irresistible and aesthetically pleasing trap.

FOUR:
Feeling sloooooow and unwilling to leave home? No worries. Combine your tortoise inclinations with your raccoon scavenger skills. Be like a hermit crab. Don’t get out of bed until something bigger and better awaits you.

FIVE:
Cranky bottom feeders rule this world (our unavoidable current reality). Your inner lobster and raccoon fury combine to grant you the power of an electric eel. If you can’t be nice, you can always be shocking.

SIX:
Slutty and cute? Nice: you’re the symbol of Easter! But you have even more to offer! The rabbit and raccoon energy chimera is the feral cat. You can take over anywhere if you’re boldly sexy and determined enough.

SEVEN:
Feeling ugly, swampy, nasty and mean? Nice. That’s your alligator aura. Combine that with trash panda power, and you have grizzly bear gumption. Because sometimes you’ve gotta get ugly-intense to get things done.

EIGHT:
Ever feel like a nasty little bug? That’s cool, because nasty little bugs shall inherit the Earth. The interlocking strength of roaches and raccoons is fierce resistance to attempted obliteration—in other words, you have MRSA strength. Survival of the fittest doesn’t mean survival of the most admirable.

NINE:
As squirrels are just rats with better public relations, foxes are just raccoons with the connotation of older money. Mash up the charm of the stinky fox with the funk of a raccoon, and you have slippery dolphin skills. Dolphins choose violence and laugh.

TEN:
Ever feel like you aren’t earning your keep? Like you take so much more than you give that you feel constant guilt? That’s the tapeworm in you (FIGURATIVELY!) talking. But a raccoon and a tapeworm can work the system like no other team can. They share the spark of your inner child: perpetually ravenous and rambunctious. Your future is built on what you feed yourself today.