When I read the internet, in my head I hear a universal “Internet Voice” that’s very generic and straightforward. When I read political commentary, I hear Mole People. They sound unhealthy, and like they bite. I do not argue with them.
10 Lessons from reading their thoughts:
1
Isolationists are defensively arrogant.
“We, the proud Mole People, we do not leave our dark and slippery pipes. Never! Why would we? We have all we need, right here. Many slimes, plenty of water and rat meat galore! Above ground offers nothing but skin cancer.”
2
Lack of imagination makes people mean.
“We, the wise Mole People, do not believe in the preposterous mythologies of squirrels and horses. Birds are not real. None of us have every seen any of those things. We know what we’re talking about.”
3
Optimism keeps people kind.
“We, the pragmatic Mole People, have explored every inch of our pipe system with our little claws and snouts. We know that it is the extent of our realm, and anyone who dares suggest that anything worthwhile lies beyond the maps of our world is needlessly upsetting our impressionable children.”
4
If we don’t ever ask for help, we won’t learn how to help ourselves.
“We, the independent Mole People, do not need anything from anyone. Sure, our blindness can be annoying, and yes, our vitamin deficiencies are numerous and debilitating, but those are our problems and we will handle them by ourselves. Our children are fine without sunlight—well, at least the strong ones are. The last so-called doctor who found his way to us got fed to the rats.”
5
We’re better people the more we leave our homes.
“We, the contented Mole People, are living our best lives. We enjoy the sweetness of rat flesh, the decadent warmth of our napping puddles, and the wonderful, echoing music of our dripping pipes. We are entertained by raccoon fights and stalactite jousts. What else could anyone possibly ask for?”
6
If you’re not allowed to think or do something, you’ve got to wonder why.
“We, the respectable Mole People, have lived in peace and harmony for ages. We all know that our way of life is a gift from the Holy Rat Lord, who blessed us with more than we deserve. None of us dare ask for anything more, except our women, who are, naturally, forbidden from speaking.”
7
What’s considered normal is so very subjective.
“We, the grateful Mole People, have no reason to be ashamed of how we live. Our lives are lives of health and wealth, only rarely punctuated by cannabalistic raids on our snarling neighbors.”
8
Resentment keeps all the crabs in the bucket.
“We, the honorable Mole People, do not eat our young unless they attempt to pry open the sky-lids of our territories. We only eat our elderly when they complain more than they contribute. We have rules here.”
9
Nobody wants to admit that they might not be the best or the brightest.
“We, the hearty Mole People, do not need or desire assistance. We have no time for your lectures or antibiotics. If you think you know better than we do how to tend to our slime gardens, you do not. If you think you can help us by throwing bottles of vitamin D at our heads, know that your arrogance disgusts us. Be gone.”
10
If you bought an idea that has significantly depreciated but won’t let it go, you’re bad at political math.
“We, the righteous Mole People, know to stay quiet and chew our slime thoroughly. We understand how important it is not to squat above snapping turtles. We know better than to drink the thick water that glows green. We know all we need to know and nothing more, lest we grow unruly and try to claw our way out through the sky lids, like ungovernable animals.”