Predator or Host?
10 ways to make people feel at home for the holidays
Every holiday party, get-together, meet-up, and sit-down holds the potential to be either a scene from a horror film or a feel-good Hallmark movie meet-cute.
The difference lies in how you host your guests.
They can be afraid, VERY AFRAID, or they can feel comfortably at home. Up to you. Entirely up to you.
A few examples:
1: While your guest is in the bathroom:
Be a predator: Watch them poop from the other side of the wall by peeping through the eyeholes of a portrait of THE ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL.
Be a host: Leave them the Hell alone.
2: While your guest is sleeping:
Be a predator: Sit at the end of their bed and breathe loudly while murmuring purification rites of THE ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL’S ONE TRUE CHURCH.
Be a host: Snooze behind your own, closed door.
3: While your guest is introducing themselves:
Be a predator: Ask them why they dress like such a godless whore, and not a devoted follower of THE ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL.
Be a host: Express how nice it is to finally meet them.
4: While your guest is settling in:
Be a predator: Make them join you in the barn to slaughter an offering to THE ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL.
Be a host: Ask them how they like their tea.
5: While your guest is eating:
Be a predator: Ask them about their relationship with your personal lord and savior, THE ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL.
Be a host: Ask them if they’d like any more potatoes.
6: While your guest is sipping a drink:
Be a predator: Ask them why they have not yet pledged themselves to THE ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL and warn them of its bottomless wrath.
Be a host: Offer them some chips.
7: While your guest is looking out a window:
Be a predator: Go out into the yard and scream a desperate prayer to THE ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL while beating your bare and broken back with green willow switches.
Be a host: Tell them about the charming farmers’ market that’s happening down the lane, but warn them that they’ll overpay for local kale.
8: While your guest is desperately trying to call for help with only one bar of 5G connectivity:
Be a predator: Tell them that they are the fulfillment of the final prophesy and only their warm, already poisoned blood can quench the longing of THE ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL. Then cackle at their wide, unbelieving eyes as the color drains from their face.
Be a host: Tell them your wifi password, and ask them what they like best about the classes they’re taking.
9: While your guest is putting on their shoes:
Be a predator: Offer them the hat of purification, so that THE ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL and his minions will know not to consume their living flesh (yet).
Be a host: Ask them where they got their coat, because it’s a really nice coat.
10: While opening presents in front of the tree:
Be a predator: Present to them the DAGGER OF ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL JUSTICE that will be used to slice the throats of the non-believers, then show them EXACTLY how it works.
Be a host: Give them a generously allocated gift-card to the same place they got that really nice coat.
Oh, and yeah, the ANCIENT BLOOD GHOUL, well, he wasn’t always such a hateful entity. He was cool, once. It’s just that over time, his legend got warped with hundreds of retellings and now his followers are a little bit insane and can’t think metaphorically anymore.
Happy Holidays. I like your coat.
I feel like this deserves a related post on survival adaptations on the part of the prey.
“Why yes, I have a very intimate relationship with the ghoul. Very. Intimate.
He touches me.
Deeply.
Late, when I’m alone, at night…”
“That IS why I dress this way! The ghoul sees all! I just wanted him to see it a little more easily. Because ghoul loves me.
…Frequently.”
“I pray to the blood ghoul nightly. The prayers are etched on the ball gag he tells me to wear.”
“Why yes, I DO hate the unbelievers! It’s like the book of the ghoul says! You know who had the right idea? The Inquisition! That’s what I believe. And I love that it catches people off guard. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. You know, to be so relevant! …in these modern times.”