It’s as sweet as it is salty, and as much as it makes your digestive endpoints pucker, it’s also amazingly satisfying.
Introducing FERAL SPICE: the energy that can save your holiday season.
When you can no longer pretend to be committed to the Sparkle Motion of cultural expectations, you can rebuild your holidays around FERAL SPICE (imagine the musky and unbothered self-empowerment of an opossum feasting on succulent trash while translating that scent into a magically and perversely attractive element of your own, personal chemistry, and then inhale it like you have asthsma and this idea can calm your lungs). NOW: imagine some ancient-nonwhite Jesus-type hero petting that opossum (impossible, as opossums only existed in North America during the Bronze Age, but let your brain get clever with this cross-over). Got that in your mind? Okay cool.
Here’s how that magic funk works:
Feral spice says, “More weird is more honest.”
And then adds, “Let’s make it so honest it burns.”
Feral spice says, “What’s the worst that could happen?”
And then adds, “And how cool would that be?”
Feral Spice says, “Unconditional love is the only valid kind of love.”
And then adds, “And I will shiv anybody who says otherwise.”
Feral Spice says, “I don’t care what anybody says.”
And then adds, “You’re mine and you’re safe.”
Feral Spice says, “OUT OF OFFICE.”
And then adds, “If your problem really mattered somebody else would care.”
Feral Spice says, “I only get one life.”
And then adds, “And I’m not going to waste a second of it on petty nonsense.”
Feral Spice says, “I want fancy cheese.”
And then adds, “And fancy crackers. And fancy wine to go with it.”
Feral Spice says, “I crave the animating power of the Earth and Stars.”
And then adds, “So into my mouth it goes.”
Feral Spice says, “I look exactly like myself should look.”
And then adds, “And myself is fucking awesome.”
Feral Spice says, “Of course you looked twice.”
And then adds, “My swagger is too real to ignore.”
Feral Spice says, “Come on in.”
And then adds, “I trust you enough not to be uptight when you visit.”
Feral Spice says, “Get comfy and cozy.”
And then adds, “I have all the naughty snacks I know you love.”
Feral Spice says, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WHEN A SHOPLIFT IS IN PROGRESS.
And then adds, “No, I never saw a thing.”
Feral Spice says, “Let’s work around the boot-lickers.”
And then adds, “And here’s a cash-tip they can’t skim.”
Feral Spice says, “If I have to be the product, that’s gonna cost you.”
And then adds, “The less the ads in my feed that make sense, the better I am at playing this game.”
Feral Spice says, “What gets measured get managed.”
And then adds, “And I aim to remain ungovernable.”
Feral Spice says, “You’re not wrong to want things.”
And then adds, “But please, don’t be afraid to ask for them.”
Feral Spice says, “Oh, I heard you.”
And then adds, “And I would never judge what I’m told.”
Feral Spice says, “THANK YOU, FINALLY.”
And then adds, “But I think I already knew that.”
Feral Spice says, “Oh, no worries.”
And then adds, “And I mean that for a long, long time.”
I. Love. This.
My version of Feral Spice comes out when my family asked how my wife and I would ‘integrate’ Christmas and Chanukah.
I explained that every New years, I would collect those tinder-dry trees that everyone throws out. (Waste not, want not.)
And next year for Chanukah, I’ll set up a gigantic menorah on the front yard, but instead of candles, we’ll be burning Christmas trees, for 8 crazy nights.